As with most people in my age demographic—the over 70s—we are finding ourselves losing the friend networks we built over the course of our lives.

When I was a kid, I had friends in my immediate neighborhood with whom I grew up & went to school. Many of these friendships lasted through my teenage years and young adulthood. When I started my career, I found new workmates and reconnected with old high school friends. Friends were never in short supply.

After getting married, buying a home and starting a family, new friendships emerged—mainly with neighbors and the parents of our kids’ schoolmates and other people connected through their schools & sporting activities. However, as children grow up & finish their schooling & enter tertiary education, or jobs changing, old friends move on, friend networks inevitably shift.

We reconnected with some friends from our younger days, but life changes people. As we grow older, our attitudes, beliefs, and even politics evolve. Some find religion, while others lose it. Throughout life, we encounter crossroads that reshape our perspectives. The arrival of kids—and later, grandchildren — brings another shift: we start viewing the world through their future. Where we once had strong ideological views about how the world should be and what political leaders should do, we now see the failings of our generation, not as individuals, but as a collective. One of the few advantages of aging is recognizing the long-term consequences of past decisions.

By my mid-twenties, I had figured out the people who I wanted to be part of my life. It might sound harsh to suggest that friendships can be dropped so easily, but the reality is that some people with questionable dispositions & attitudes never change. The depth of a friendship varies, and over time, I realized that some so-called friends were merely trying to take advantage of that bond—sometimes financially.

For me, that was a dealbreaker. If someone asks for money or a loan, it usually signals that they are trying to exploit the friendship. At that point, as far as I’m concerned, the friendship is over. Real mates don’t do that.

It’s not all bad, but when reflecting on past friendships, I can understand why some connections faded. I’m far from perfect, but when I’ve reconnected with old friends, I’ve realized that some haven’t changed at all since our younger days. In youth, we tend to be more accepting of people’s quirks. It might sound a bit pretentious, but honestly, I no longer have the patience for putting up with other peoples bullshit. I like to think I’ve kept up with the times, viewing the world with a broader perspective than I did in my younger years. I don’t claim my perspective is always right—I enjoy listening to others’ views—but I struggle with people who are rigid in their thinking and unwilling to consider opposing viewpoints. This isn’t just about politics. It applies to discussions about sports, family values, religion, ancestry, or anything else. Everyone has an opinion, and they deserve to be heard. It’s not about arguing or dismissing ideas but about listening and understanding.

That brings me back to the issue of old friendships. While I appreciate hearing different viewpoints, it sometimes becomes evident that some old friends have become stuck in a time warp in their thinking and refuse to accept alternative perspectives. That’s fine—Just don’t expect me to join you. Some were difficult people to be friends with back then, and haven’t changed. Some struggled with addiction in their youth and are still caught in the same destructive cycles. That’s their choice, but I have no interest in being part of a lifelong adolescent party they never left.

So, yes, we lose friends—for different reasons. Some pass away, some grow apart due to aging, and some we simply choose not to associate with anymore. That’s life. Fortunately, my wife & I still have a close circle of friends with whom we keep in touch. We don’t spend as much time together as we once did, but we still meet regularly to catch up on life. In our case, my wife and I prefer to keep close ties with our family, which remains our priority.

Developing new friendships throughout our lives is a wonderful experience. As old friends drift away, we naturally form new connections. For instance, many people make great friends later in life, such as when they transition into retirement living.

My own mother, who lived to 94, met many new friends as she aged. She outlived many of her longtime companions, experiencing firsthand the evolving nature of friendships over time. As we grow older, our social networks shift and change.

Personally, I recently made a new friend through volunteering. I was connected by a volunteer service organisation to an elderly man, a resident in a retirement complex who is in the early stages of dementia. He appreciates having a regular visitor, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know him. However, in spending time with him, I’ve noticed a troubling pattern—when people develop dementia or are diagnosed with an incurable disease, some of their friends, & even family stop visiting.

I find this to be a puzzling and somewhat disheartening reality. One would expect a true friend to remain present, ensuring the friendship continues. However, I think many people struggle to face the reality of a friend or loved one’s declining health. They may find it too painful to watch a close friend lose their ability to communicate in the same way they once did.

It’s an issue I’ve witnessed many times. I suspect that fear plays a significant role—people may avoid situations that force them to confront the fragility of life. Sadly, this often leads to friends withdrawing just when they are needed most. A short but regular visit could mean the world to someone facing these challenges, yet many fail to make that effort. It is a well-known fact that dementia sufferers often experience worsened symptoms due to feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially when surrounded by unfamiliar people.

Which brings me to family. For us, family has always been about values. While friendship is important, nothing bonds people together quite like family. Families are there for the long haul. We may have disagreements with family members, but we generally all have the ability to resolve our differences and move forward.

Even within family groups, there are individuals who, for one reason or another, seem to consistently rub others the wrong way. They know the right buttons to push on how to provoke arguments and are keenly aware of their relatives’ weaknesses. These individuals often use this knowledge to reopen old wounds and stir up past conflicts, appearing to take pleasure in causing distress.

In our family, we have one such member. Despite numerous olive branches being extended, they seem incapable of coexisting peacefully with the rest of us without dredging up past grievances and instigating arguments. As a result, this person has become somewhat estranged.

That said, the door remains open. When we occasionally encounter this individual at extended family gatherings, attempts at reconciliation are made. However, as the saying goes, a leopard doesn’t change its spots.

Another interesting time is when a new partner has entered the life of one of our children. Without wanting to seem like an overbearing father, I’ve always tried to stay aware of what’s happening while respecting my children’s independence. Fortunately, they have all made good choices. That said, as children grow up, they must make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes, just as we all did on our journey through life.

I was fortunate to marry an incredible woman who played a vital role in shaping our children into responsible adults. Our daughter jokingly says that we must have done something right since none of them became drug addicts or ended up in jail.

Our family is now expanding as some members begin forming their own families. As grandparents, this is an exciting time—watching our kids experience the joys and challenges of raising their own children.

Family is an interesting topic. Some people feel strongly about whether or not they want children. It’s a personal choice, and raising kids is certainly not easy. Some choose not to have children, which is completely fine. However, when they grow old and have no family to care for them, it’s too late to change that decision.

I’ve seen people who once took pride in their independence—boasting about having no family responsibilities, enjoying the freedom to do whatever they wanted—only to find themselves old and lonely, with no one to care for them. That’s not to say family is just about having someone to look after you in old age, but rather that family is a lifelong support system of kindred spirits.

Friends can care, but it’s never quite the same as family.